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90210 – Recap & Review – Confessions

photo: the cw

Original Air Date: May 18, 2010

Meg – Senior Reviewer

It’s the season finale in the hippest zip in Bev Hills. What does that mean for everyone? Well, we’ve sexual assaults, pending divorce, multiple reconciliations, dumpings, and my least favorite character finally gets the crap beaten out of him!

If the show hadn’t been renewed, I think it could actually have worked as a series finale for several storylines. With no further ado, let’s get to it!

Evil Jen and Mr. Mathews
As we learned last episode, Evil Jen is going to spawn. Naomi crashes her ultrasound and filches Jen’s paternity test results from her purse. Having the emotional maturity of a deranged toddler, Naomi decides to surprise Mr. Mathews and announce via balloons and a copy of the paternity results that he’s about the be a dad. Ryan takes the news pretty well and confronts Jen. He tells her he wants to be there for her and the baby. She laughs him off, tells him that he is a lowly public school teacher and therefore not father material. Evil Jen threatens to take Ryan to court to guarantee he has no parental rights. Then she flounces off to prenatal yoga. Oh I hate this woman so much… (not sure if I’m dating myself with this reference, but when I look at Evil Jen, all I feel is flames! On the side of my face… Anyone?).

Ryan nurses his pain in the company of Jim Beam, Jack Daniels, and Jose Cuervo. He shows up trashed to the school dance – why am I only amused by him when he is wasted? Say what you will about this actor, but he plays “wasted” really well! Laurel sends him home – and considering that Laurel is a hard-partying, promiscuous, pot-peddler, that’s a big deal! Unwilling to wait for the next shuttle home, Ryan steals a school bus and joy rides it to his car. Yup, this will end well.

Annie and Liam
I’m officially on board with this coupling – I really dig the support system they’ve created for one another. At the top of the hour, Liam tells Annie that he is going to confess to his mom and Step-Bad that he stole the valuable coins (he learned last ep that his housekeeper had been blamed and fired). Annie tells Liam he is lucky that he still has the chance to fix his mistake.

Later, Annie goes to meet Liam at the dock and he is practically giddy – he reveals that he has finished his rage boat! He takes Annie sailing and there’s a sweet little sailing montage of the two of them. Annie takes a big step towards character rehabilitation and confesses to Liam that she was the hit and run driver that killed Jasper’s uncle last summer. Liam is appropriately stunned, but comforts her as she cries. The moment is semi-spoiled for me, however, when we see frickin’ Jasper is apparently stalking them.

Later, Annie goes home to her parents and starts to tell them the truth of what happened that night. Elsewhere, Liam is about to go sleep on his boat, only to find it on FIRE! Jasper is hobbling away from the scene of the crime and it is pretty obvious what’s happened. Acknowledging that I don’t condone violence in any way, shape, or form, I have to say I was not so bothered by Liam suddenly jumping and beating the crap out of Jasper.

Adrianna and Navid
Javier and Ade finish up their NYC show and swim through the swarm of fans to Javi’s limo. They laugh over the random gifts that get dumped in the limo and Javi randomly picks up the box that Navid left for Ade last episode. As you’ll remember, instead of just telling Ade that he had feelings for her, he devised an elaborate plan involving a charm bracelet and directions and something about a snowglobe… Javi dismisses the bracelet, but gifts it to Adrianna as “his gift to her.”

Silver interviews Adrianna for the Blaze. Navid is brooding in a corner and suddenly realizes that Ade is wearing the bracelet he left for her. He decides to confront her and yells at the production crew to cut the tape. Unfortunately, it’s a live interview. He doesn’t seem to realize or care and demands that everyone clear the room. He marches on camera and reveals that the bracelet was from him, not Javier. This confrontation o’ awkwardness is being broadcast on every screen in the school and drawing quite a crowd. Silver, being a good friend, races back to the interview room to tell Ade and Navid to smile, because they’re on candid camera. Navid hushes her away and continues to yell at Adrianna. Of course, it ends in them both revealing their feelings for each other and getting smoochy. In front of their entire high school. If this show were on HBO this scene would be entirely different. Thank goodness the CW is PG…

Ade does the honorable thing and breaks up with Javier. He doesn’t really seem to “get it,” and declares that “it’s not over, until it’s over.” (Although, I’m pretty sure that when the girl says it’s over and that she is in love with someone else, it’s pretty darn, umm. OVER). At the dance, Javi offers Ade the chance to go on tour with him for a year. Hmmm…

Ivy and Dixon
Despite my worries that he was going to fall back in like with Silver, Dix seems set on Ivy. So set, in fact, that he confesses to her that he and Silver got drunk and kissed each other in the two minutes in which Ivy and Dix were broken up last episode. Wisely, Dixon does not claim that they “were on a break!” Ivy dumps Dixon and says she refuses to play second fiddle to another girl (again) and that they are dunzo.

Because this show loves when its characters make grandiose romantic gestures, Dixon lures Ivy to the planetarium for a sound and light show he has arranged to basically explain that she is the center of his universe and that he is the only girl for him. Ever. Dude –you’re what? 16? Slow your roll! Ivy is appropriately smitten and the reconcile.

Debbie and Harry
Loser Mark gets caught for plagiarizing an English paper. As Harry is trying to discipline him, Mark tries to blackmail Harry for lying to the school board and erasing surveillance tapes that showed Dixon broke into the school (with Loser Mark) to steal the SATs. Oof. Harry confesses to the superintendant and gets fired for his honesty (well, more likely for his gross error in judgment, but potato potahto….).

Harry can’t get a break at home either, as he gets into a massive screaming fight with Debbie. They yell at each other and end up demanding to know if they love each other any more. Sadly, it seems the answer is “not so much.”

Silver and Teddy
Teddy begs Silver to unbreak his heart. She tells him that his dad came to her and offered her $150,000 to break up with him. Silver explains that while she didn’t take the money and his dad is a jerk, he was still right. She claims that she was getting in the way of his tennis. Teddy argues that he can have tennis AND a life. Silver seems dead set against it and kicks him out. I think she’s being stupid.

At the school end-of-year dance, words of wisdom come from (surprisingly) Naomi who tells Silver that she wasn’t being fair by breaking up with Teddy and that she was essentially patronizing him just the way his dad was. Silver realizes that she was being an idiot and that she should trust Teddy to know what’s best for him. They reconcile and my “Awww…” is cut short by the fact that they break into some mind-numbingly terrible shimmying.

Naomi and Oh dear…
Naomi sees Liam and runs over in gym shorts that look like underwear. She starts babbling away about this or that. Liam cuts her off and says that he has been going through crap and that she hasn’t been there for him and that she’s self-centered and a liar and he’s D-O-N-E. Hooray!

When Naomi is leaving the dance, she finds her car engine is dead. She pops back into the school to see if she can find someone with a phone. Unfortunately the only “someone” who seems to be around is Mr. Canon. Despite the fact that she falsely accused him of sexual harassment, he seems downright pleased to see her. Oh dear… I think we can see where this is going. She asks if she can use his phone to call for help for her car. He obliges and instead of using his phone and then skedadling, she bursts into tears and starts calling herself a terrible person and a liar. Mr. Canon is like a Siamese ready to pounce on a canary. He takes Naomi’s hand and creepily asks if that’s okay. She is clearly disturbed, but lets him touch her. She jumps up to leave and he breaks into full villain mode by saying he knows she wants him, that he’s just responding to her harassment fantasy, blahblahcrazyrapeyfishcakes, and he slaps her across the face! As Naomi panics, Mr. Canon taunts her and says nobody will believe her, because she already falsely accused him once. And then… the end? What? Really? What?!

You’ve got to help me out – did my TV cut out early? Was this really the end? Egads, what a terrible note to go out on! What did you think of the finale? What are you hoping for next season? Leave some comments and let me know (if I missed the REAL ending) and your two cents!

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