Original Air Date: Jun 13, 2010
Andi – Staff Writer
In which Suckeh runs around with her arms flailing akimbo and screaming that the sky is… I mean that Beel has gone missing, Eric is blessedly naked and menacing, Pam is her usual hilarious self, Lafayette is his usual badass hookah self, Beel’s been working out and Jussikuh is in a whole heap of trouble. Oh, and lets not forget Sam’s kinky Bill dream, Sophie-Anne’s insanity, Jason’s impotence and the introduction of werewolves!
Chicken Little as Sookie immediately calls the police when she realizes that Bill has disappeared, but Kenya ain’t havin’ it and tells Sookie that she has to wait 48 hour before filing a missing person report. So naturally, Sookie calls bullshit on that, pointing out the overturned furniture and clear signs of a struggle, but it gets her nowhere and she makes a beeline for Bill’s house.
Meanwhile, the B plots are rolling forward in spectacular fashion: We learn that Tara and Jason are losing their shit over the death of Eggs. For different reasons, obviously. Lafayette is doing is damn best to keep Tara from spiraling. Andy is doing his damn best to keep Jason from blowing the whole cover story. Sam is climbing the family tree and Jessica ate somebody. But she feels really bad about it.
Bill is trapped in a car with two guys and Patrick Swayze’s brother, Don, who call themselves the Fuck You Crew, but they don’t really seem like the kind of people who can even spell that. In an effort to be authentic, I’m calling them the Fuk U Cruw. Bill, who has been drained by the Cruw so they can get their fix, manages to get the upper hand for a minute and crashes the hell out of the car.
Andy pays a visit to Jason and tells him to maintain the status quo because he’s told Bud that he killed Eggs, which is a little stupid, but whatever. Andy explains that Jason needs to have his, “conscious off, dick on.” Ha! And poor Jason, he really wants to be New Jason, not Old Jason. I feel really bad for him this season and it‘s only the first episode.
Sookie has no luck with Jessica, who hasn’t heard from Dad, but doesn’t want to on account of the half-dead guy in the closet. This is way worse than the time she and Hoyt got caught going at it. So Sookie goes to Fangtasia to drum up some leads. Pam greets her at the door with a snarky compliment about the color of her dress, but Sookie isn’t in the mood for any of her “lesbian weirdness.” Pam drawls, “Oh, no. Sookie don’t,” with little enthusiasm they descend the basement stairs to find Eric, who is screwing the new dancer pretty impressively. I love it when this show is funny. Anyway, Sookie accuses Eric of taking Bill, but he nakedly explains that he did no such thing and then explains nakedly that he will gladly help her locate Bill because kidnappings in his area are his problem. The new suspect is Lorena, by the way.
Sookie goes home to find drunk, sad Tara on her couch and does her best to comfort her, but when she confesses to helping Eggs remember what he’d repressed, Tara freaks out on her and Lafayette drags his crazy, miserable cousin home.
Over at Fangtasia, Eric is ripping someone a new butthole for failing to kidnap Bill before the other people did. He’s pacing and ranting and Pam is looking tense and then… wait… is he yelling into a hands free headset? He totally is! Hee! EricBorg hangs up and Pam has no qualms about telling him just how stupid he’s being and suggests telling Sophie that Bill‘s missing before someone else does. Eric, however, finds this unhelpful and reprimands his darling little girl about speaking when spoken to. Pam pretty much says, “Fine, but this is stupid and I‘m going to get the hell out of Dodge for a while,” and walks away. I love her.
Sam, meanwhile, wakes up in his hotel room to someone knocking at the door. It’s Bill and he needs help taking a shower, apparently. Now, I’m sure you’ll all remember from last season that Sam had a healthy gallon or so of Bill Juice after Eggs stabbed him. The balance of that act is apparently coming true in the form of sexy Beel dreams. They actually have some serious chemistry and the two play this sexy little scene very well. As Pam would say, I’m picking up what they’re putting down.
Busy working on the road crew, Hoyt and Jason talk about lies and truth and Jason is of the opinion that truth does way more damage than lies, which is totally true most of the time, but the most important thing about this entire scene is not their moment of philosophical awakening or Hoyt‘s newfound independence. Nor is it the fact that Hoyt is moving in with Jason. The most important thing about this scene is that Jason uses the word dogma. Correctly. The apocalypse, I suspect it is nigh.
Lettie Mae shows up at Lafayette’s and he ain’t got no time for her shit, but he does need someone to watch over Tara, so he can go to work, which is why he stooped so low as to call Lettie Friggen Mae. Don’t worry, she fails spectacularly, as usual.
Having had no luck with Jessica and only a little luck with Eric, Sookie visit’s the Bon Temps’ cop shop, but she doesn’t have any luck there either. Bud tells her he’s up to his eyeballs in bodies and other shit and one supposedly missing, technically dead guy isn’t a priority.
Sam has scaled the branches of his family tree and found a kid in his late teens who works at a tire shop. It’s Tommy Mickens, Sam’s long lost brother, but when Sam confronts him, the kid totally lies to him.
Back at Lafayette’s House of Ill Repute and Occasional Reform, Lettie Mae, who seems to have decided to channel Joan Collins, has the reverend over to talk to Tara about his Religious dogma. Seriously, she’s creeping me out and those Hitchcockian violins on the soundtrack are not helping! Great, now I’m going to have nightmares about Lettie Mae petting my hair until is falls out or something.
We cut over to Bill (thank God), who is now dragging his filthy self out of the ground, having taken a refreshing dirt nap after his recent automobile accident. He’s much recovered and manages to call Jessica, who jerks awake, but has no idea what’s going on. Probably he should have covered this when he was explaining the recycling.
Jessica, still clueless as to why she was ripped from her slumber and still worried about what to do with that body, gets a call from Hoyt. He says he misses her and she‘s so relieved to hear from him for a minute that she admits that she misses him back. Awww. But it’s not a good time for Jessica on account of the friggen body in the hidey hole, so she hangs up on him and he’s totally sad and confused about that, which is probably a pretty standard reaction.
Sophie-Anne shows up at Fangtasia with the Magister to talk about the insane amount of V Sales in the area and she and Eric spend the whole time making huge “I‘m innocent, but (s)he isn‘t!” eyes all over the place, which is hilarious. Eric promises the Magister that he will find the person or persons responsible for the V sales, but he’s got his angry/worried face on.
Over at Merlotte’s, Arlene’s new super smell kicks in and she realizes that she’s pregnant! Across the room, Jason picks up some girls (soon to be veterinarian students on a road trip, which is ridiculous on account of they’re probably about as smart as Jason) for himself as well as his BFF Hoyt. Hoyt has some issues with Jason picking up communal property women, which prompts Jason to explain that there will be a certain amount of “pussy overflow” that Hoyt will have to manage. Possibly the best line of the night. But when Jason gets them home, he can’t perform and just keeps picturing them with bullet holes in their heads.
After the Magister has left, Sophie explains that she’s broke and needs the blood sold ASAP so she can get the IRS off her back, which is actually a nice little bit of detailing. Vampires are always depicted as these wealthy, out of their era sort of creatures with endless means and enchanting things. And that was probably true before they came out of the coffin, but now they’re bound by all the same laws as the poor living folk. Dude, that sucks. Anyway, Eric tells her she’s crazy and he can’t keep selling the blood with the Magister up their asses like a too small thong. And in a sudden and really well done effect, she climbs up all nineteen feet of him to exert her will and demand that he do what he’s told. Dude, that was scary. I’ve watched it twice and it made me jump both times. So, Eric, adequately scolded, snarls for a moment and then admits Bill is gone. Sophie doesn’t actually care at all and advises Eric to let Bill rot.
Sometime that night, Pam drops off Sookie’s check for helping them find Godric. But the check is for some undisclosed amount of more than ten g’s, which was Sookie’s going rate when they made the deal. Pam explains that it’s a bonus for going above and beyond the call of duty. Well, that was thoughtful. While Pam’s there, she gets a shivery call from her Dad., which gives Sookie an idea and she runs off to use Jessica as a homing beacon.
Pam’s next stop is to Merlotte’s for a chat with Lafayette. She delivers what may be several pounds of blood and instructs him to sell the hell out of it, because they‘ll need the net worth by tomorrow. Lafayette cannot believe this shit is happening. Poor muthuh fuckuh.
Bill, who is wandering around some random forest in just his pants so we can better see how much he’s been working out, finds an old house. The old house is owned by an old lady, who invites him in because she’s sweet and misses her son Stanley, who is a big loser from the sounds of things. The old lady doesn’t have a phone that Bill can borrow, so he borrows a pint or two of blood instead.
Eeew. Lettie Mae feels up the reverened and it’s gross. Like ten times as gross as Andy dancing last season. Ick. Anyway, Tara takes a shower and contemplates suicide, but really, with Lettie Mae as her mother, do you blame her?
Sookie and Jessica, having activated Jessica’s Spidey Sense, find Bill’s wrecked car and drag a body out of it. Now, before you panic, it is not Patrick Swayze’s brother, Don. It’s one of the other Cruw members. He has some kind of tattoo or brand or something on his neck, which they notice and decide to investigate with their Blackberries.
I’ve watched this episode twice and I still didn’t catch where Sam has gotten himself off to. So, whoever Sam is, he follows Tommy the Lying Liar and discovers that he really is Tommy Mickens, his brother, but the family isn‘t looking too upstanding.
Bill talks with the nice old lady and discovers that he’s in Mississippi, which he seems very worried about. Then he does the old lady a solid and glamours her so she thinks her son Stanley came by and left her some money (he gives her what looks like a few hundreds) and makes sure she won‘t remember anything about a vampire stopping by. Sniffle. That was nice.
Lafayette gets home in time to find Tara in the bathroom, downing a metric ton of pills and Lettie Mae reading Men‘s Health with Obama on the cover. Politics themed prop, I see you!
Sookie and Jessica ID the mark on the body as something about Operation Werewolf. Uh oh, that sounds bad.
And in the first cliffhanger of season three, Bill is surrounded in the woods by a pack of werewolves, which are being played by actual wolves and sort of impresses me.
So, what did you think? If I had to give it a letter grade, I’d give it a B+. Share your two cents and maybe we can pay some of those past due bills in the Mickens’ mail box.